COVID-19, An Account, March 24, 2020

So yesterday I managed to get out of my house and took my dog for a walk, She was looking forlorn because she's been cooped up a lot lately herself.  She's not particularly fond of rain, and I think she actually doesn't "go" very much if it's too wet outside. As soon as I pick up the leash, her little radar ears perk up and she's at my feet looking up at me like "walk?now?walk?now?now?walk?huh?let's go!!!  It was good for me too. I did bump into a few people I knew, but I stayed 10 feet away - not taking any chances.  We chatted a bit and then I went on my way. It was nice to get out, if only for 30 minutes or so.
Today I woke up early, but lie in bed thinking, which usually is not a good thing. Today, on the other hand, I thought of something. Why, if the news in general stresses me out and/or makes me sad, do I have such a difficult time pulling myself away from it? Then I thought, In this time of fear and concern, one thing that happens as I watch the leaders of our country be completely inept as far as I'm concerned, is that I get angry. Normally being angry is a bad thing, but I'm beginning to feel like anger gets me going, makes me want to fight. Fear and sadness makes me just want to curl up in a ball and wait until it's over. In that movie (Network?) people hang out their windows and yell something like "I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore!!" I feel like that. So I've gotten more outspoken about certain things. If I alienate friends who support other politics, well then...sorry not sorry.  Seeing these people act like my life (or my mom's) is not as worth saving as their precious money (economy) makes me furious. How dare they? Nope, not going to be silent anymore.  I'm not an "in your fac" kind of person, but if someone says something, I WILL answer.

Be Careful What You Wish For...

Okay, so I know I said I wanted a little summer, but what I meant was relief from the June Gloom, not 100* temperatures! Seriously, right after I posted that, the temps jumped up 20 degrees. A gradual increase would have been nice. At least today is nicer. There's a pleasant breeze in my backyard, and opening the door is not like opening a kiln. The forecast shows more hot weather to come however, (yippee) so I'm bracing myself.  I have this feeling that I may spend a lot of time inside my house this summer. Yes, I know, I'm a wimp. Born and raised in Southern California, I enjoy a huge range of temperatures, like say...between 75 and 85.  Anything under 65, and I'm pulling out my parka. Anything over 90 and, well, I just want to jump into the fridge.
Now, if I can get to the beach...I am a happy camper. Most days the shoreline is easily 20 degrees cooler, and although the water tends to be (again, I say this as the California wimp that I am) FREEZING, the warm air feels wonderful in contrast. That said, the beach will not be happening today. Things to do, bills to pay, blah blah blah. So until later, stay cool my friends.

Caren E. Salas

I Need a Little Summer...Now

I woke up this morning in a panic, thinking, oh no! We must have slept in! The whole bedroom was bright, and the sun was practically blinding! I looked up at the clock. 5:20. Ugh! Nope, we didn't sleep in. It took me a few minutes to realize that I couldn't remember the last time the sun was shining first thing in the morning. No overcast skies? Whaaaat?
Today just happened to be the last day of school for my daughter. So I'm kinda' wondering...can it be summer now? I know technically summer starts on June 20 - the Summer Solstice and all that, but come on.  I need a little summer...like, now. And for all my theater friends and those of you who have at least seen the musical, "Mame".....sing it with me, won't you?

Haul out the chaise lounge,
Put on your shades before the fog rolls in again
Fill up the beach ball
I may be rushing things, but get your hula skirt now!

For I need a little summer, ♫
'Cause this year's been a bummer, ♪
Hats and shorts and tank tops,
Bathing suits and flip flops,
Oh we need a little summer,
'Cause this year's been a bummer, ♪
It hardly rained at all this year,
So since the weather's been so clear,
Lets get out the beach towels,
Fill up the ice chest full of, lots of snacks and beer,
Slice up the melon,♫
It's time we pulled the ukulele out and sang "Wow!"
For I've grown a little weary,
Grown a little colder,
Grown a little fatter,
Grown a little older,
And I need a little sunscreen, ♪
Right here on my shoulder,
I need a little Summer now!!!! ♪


Caren E. Salas

No Promises...

If I felt bad having not written the last post for 6 months, now that it's a year and a half later...well...

I'd like to say that this time I mean it; that I'm going to continue writing everyday from now on, however I can't. It's like New Year's Resolutions. I just don't believe in writing down a long list of specific goals that I might try for, but realistically won't attain.  When you have a disease like MS that comes and goes at random with continually changing and evolving symptoms, you tend to be a little jaded when it comes to plans. This is not to say that I don't look forward to things, or that I am a pessimist when it comes to my future. I just believe in each of us being real with ourselves.  There are people that respond to the pep talks, or the "no pain no gain" attitudes. Other people respond to kind encouragement. Honestly, I don't respond to any of that. I don't want to be bullied, compared to someone else who "pulled themselves up against all odds" (or worse "they have MS and look what they did!). "Encouragement" from others can feel condescending.  The only one who can get my butt up out of bed is me. I focus on one day at a time: getting through it despite the exhaustion, the pain, the frustration of everyday existence. Getting through, is all I have energy for. Getting the normal chores and necessities that I "have to" do is pretty much all I can manage most days.

But I realized that because I was spending so much time on all the "have-tos" in my life, there was no time for anything I wanted to do..like write. So for now, I'm trying to set a little time aside everyday for me. Not easy, but I try. So I am writing today. Hopefully, I will write tomorrow. I'll go from there. 

No promises.

One Lap Forward...

This week started off really well.  On Monday I went to the gym, determined that this would be the week I went EVERY day. As usual, my week never seems to go as planned. Especially during the summer. I have learned, as the years have gone by, that I am a schedule person. I deal with life so much better if I am (basically) forced to get up and get out of the house at a certain time. During the school year. I get up at about the same time every morning, get dressed and take my kids to school. Since I'm getting dressed anyway, it's easy to put my bathing suit and sweats on instead of jeans and a t-shirt, and then, since I'm already out and about, go to the gym. With no place that I have to go first thing in the morning, it's much easier to get distracted with other things. There's always laundry to be done, dishes to be washed, items to be checked on ebay: selling, not buying, believe it or not.
But I digress. Wow. If I had a dollar for every time I was distrac- hey, is it okay to have pizza for breakfast?

So this year, unlike my kids, I'm actually looking forward to them having to go back to school. Meanwhile I try and push myself to go swim as often as I can. especially on Tuesdays and Thursdays, when I don't have such a small window of time. You see, on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays there is a water aerobics class at 10:30 and people start piling in around 9:00-9:30 so they can stake out their spot. And don't tell me I should take that class.  I don't, for three reasons: a.) I get claustrophobic with 80 other people in the same pool, especially since if I get pushed to the deep end, I can't touch the bottom. b.) It's not my thing. I just want to swim, back and forth, at my own pace. And c.) The idea of some little perky 20-something girl shouting out "encouragements" makes me want to vomit. Sorry, it's probably wrong. I can't help it. I've never been one for that whole "no pain! no gain!" and "push yourself! you can do it!" cheerleading tactic. I'm an adult. Please don't tell me what I am capable of doing. In all likeliness you have NO idea what I've gone through to get this far. I'm fully aware of what I need to do, to get to where I want to be. Give me a little credit. I understand, some people need that, and work better because of it, and hey, more power to them. Everyone is different. If my friends tell me "hey, go for it, that's awesome" that's really enough for me. If my kids ask me if I'm going swimming and say "cool," when I say that I am, that's good too.  For me, it all comes down to the fact that we all have to find what works. Some people respond well to having that voice over their shoulder saying "yeah! keep going!" Some people encourage themselves and fight their inner wimp one day at a time. That's what I do. Honestly, I don't always come out on top...but I refuse to ever admit defeat. I just gather what strength I have, go back to the pool, take a deep breath, and dive back in.

I'm going to try to go a little later on today, wish me luck.


Caren E. Salas

Anger Management

The other night I was trying to figure out how to connect my wireless printer to our network and after trying various "trouble-shooting" tactics, I contacted the company who made the printer thinking, this can't be too big of a deal. When we first got the printer I think my son and I installed in with no real problems. Unfortunately we recently had to replace our modem/router and that caused some problems.  So I go online to the "live chat" and the person "helping" me, after close to three hours not only did NOT solve the problem, but managed to completely mess up my wireless network. She tried to tell me that she was only working on the things that affected the printer. Hmmm. I think not. I don't know a lot about computers, but I thought it was an amazing coincidence that before she started doing things everything (except the printer) was working fine. Afterwards nothing worked except the PC I was actually working on. None of the kids devices or laptops could connect and even my ROKU was shut down. Someone was supposed to call me within 24 to 48 hours....a week ago. Needless to say, I will not be purchasing anything from that company again if I can help it, and they WILL be hearing from me. (It won't be pretty, but at least it will be somewhat more reserved compared to what it would have been a week ago.)

Anyway, to make a long story short (I know, too late), At about midnight when I finished chatting with this substandard computer technician, I was fuming. Knowing that sleep was not going to happen anytime soon, and feeling like I might possibly commit a felony, I decided to work off some pent up energy by swimming. Luckily, my gym is 24 Fitness. I got dressed and zipped over, thinking a half mile ought to do it. After a half mile I realized I was still angry, so I went on for a few more laps. When I got out, I was thinking, Wow, I should do a mad swim at least once a week!  I'm kidding of course, but I did get a really good workout, and I was able to go to sleep when I got home. It was much more productive than breaking or throwing things (like the printer).  The next morning I called AT&T and in under an hour our wireless was up and running and so was our printer. Shocker.

Usually I get my frustrations out with writing, but sometimes, there is not enough paper, writing instruments, or even internet space to get the monster out of me. More dramatic strategies are needed. I know not everyone can swim, but most of us can at least get out and walk or run or do something physical. In the long run, at least for me, not only do I feel better emotionally, but I can smile knowing that I am a little bit healthier as a result. 

We all do what we have to, to stay sane in this crazy life. I write. I swim. I hug my family. Whatever works.


Caren E, Salas

For the Safety of Those Around Me

I have found that swimming for me is a necessity. Not merely for my health, but for the health (and safety) of those who deal with me on a regular basis. Seriously, I feel so much better when I swim on a regular basis, physically, mentally and emotionally. It has a way of calming me, taking the stress of the day away, and adds a little patience to my personality. For about 45 minutes I really don't/can't think of anything else. Well, I could, technically, but I tend to forget to breathe. Hmmm. It's funny when I think of it, because when I don't swim, sometimes it feels like I'm forgetting to breathe then, too. I mean, really breathe. Breathe in. Breathe out. Don't freak out. Don't sweat the small stuff...which I do. The moral of this story? I've got to keep swimming. It will keep me in shape, keep me calm, keep me happy and hopefully keep me out of jail (haha).  It's been a rough week. I'm hoping tomorrow will be better. Until then...I'll just keep breathing.


Caren E. Salas

Now this is serenity: a pool with a view.