COVID-19, 2020 - An Account (my first few entries)

March 13th, 2020 (Friday)

It seems appropriate that I'm starting this journal on Friday the thirteenth. Although it all started earlier in the year, my decision to write about my experience happened because I started to realize the epic nature of this "event". This morning, my husband Bill told me that the Senior Center was closing until the end of the month, and all public events in our city are cancelled.  It's been raining for the past few days, which here in Southern California is unusual enough.  There are runs on Costco: people stocking up like the apocalypse has begun. Maybe it has.

The line for Costco before opening, in the rain.

The whole world has gone crazy, and in the United States, we are more divided than any time in my memory.  I'm currently 56 years old and although I feel fairly young, I see myself becoming a cynical old woman.  I don't trust anyone outside my small circle. Doctors, lawyers, politicians: they are all suspect. Everything is about money.  Pharmacies influence the doctors who prescribe medications we don't need and are merely bandages.Those who produce these medications have no interest or incentive in finding cures because then, how would they rake in millions of dollars in overpriced therapeutic  drugs.  The lawyers defend criminals whole-heartedly as long as they have the cash or the connections. The politicians, well, they are in a class by themselves. Each one trying to claw their way out of the darkness to shine their halogen lamps. They give us a spot light view of things, glaring at the issues they have an interest in, and blinding us to others.

I'm not sure how I ended up having so little faith in people in general.  I feel like the internet has made things so much (as the kids today say) "extra".  Everything is so much more elevated, especially fear, and hate.  It's always someone else's fault, some one is to blame; and not just one person, their entire race, culture or religion.  Why? I don't understand, and don't get me wrong, I have nothing against religion and I do believe in God, but these days some religions are used for much more wrong than right.  People who call themselves "righteous", continue to discriminate against anyone who is not in their group, their same color or beliefs.  They quote Jesus, but seem to have missed a lot of the important things he's said.

So we are in this global crisis: a pandemic called "Corona Virus" or "COVID-19". Thousands if not millions are freaking out. Our political and medical leadership struggle to get information out without causing a panic. The problem is, inefficient information still causes panic, and from what I see, even more than usual. Of course, then there's the blaming. Who's fault is it? I don't care, just tell me what I can do. Don't tell me what you think I want to hear. What I want is truth. Give me some credit: I can handle it.

March 14, 2020

I'm sitting here in my home watching Australian news on YouTube. They are talking about the virus and how fast it spreads, and how many people will likely die. Great. Bill listens to that stuff all day. Sometimes I just need to shut it all off. I can't afford to stress out about it. Anyone with a preexisting condition (especially respiratory) or advanced age, is especially susceptible, and is more likely to die. I'm screwed. Two, almost three of these criteria fit me.  Should I hide in my house and wait until it's over? Bill said he heard that the stores' supply situation should improve in the next week. That is, unless some new information comes out and everyone runs out for more. We are hoping for the best.

The writer in me wants to research all the information I can find, and yet, I know the news will only cause me anxiety. Anxiety exacerbates my M.S. and then I have problems. This issue is escalated by the fact that no news source has presented the same story. Politicians and the media twist and shape the facts to meet their needs, instead of looking out for the weakest of us. I grew up believing that that was their job, their purpose, the reason they took home a paycheck paid by our taxes. Silly me.

March 15, 2020

I have lost so much of my faith in humankind.  As each day goes by, I watch the news and wonder what is coming next. Meanwhile, I see people being more polarized than ever. Who do we believe? What should we do or not do? Is it overreacting, or cautious? I think this is just the third day of voluntary quarantine. How will we get to the end of the month? What happens if we are really hit hard? Are there the necessary resources at the ready? I worry about my mom, who's 85. I think my brother and sister who live closer have been visiting and checking on her. Since I still feel a lingering bronchitis, I don't feel like I should expose her to that, even if it's much less dangerous. That's the worst thing about this virus: it's demand for isolation. People are kept away from their loved ones and in some cases, end up dying alone. Not only that, but with the numbers growing, the personal care you might otherwise receive at the doctor's office or at the hospital is bare minimum. Touch is reduced to gloved hands.
In other news...the economy is getting annihilated.  No one going out means no one is spending money. It's feared that many businesses will fail. Tourism is way down everywhere.  Cruise ships are anchored. Flights to and from all over the world have been cancelled. Certain countries have banned travel to others. There are United States citizens stuck in other countries, trying to get home. I can't imagine.  Unfortunately because everything is connected to everything else, we could be in for some tough times. Tourists can't travel, which means planes, trains, ships, buses, what have you, can't fill the seats.The hotels can't fill the rooms. The restaurants are empty or forced to comply with spacing regulations ("social distancing"), employees are out of work, and then there's no money to spend. People are even being encouraged (strongly) not to hold weddings or funerals for a while. No gatherings of over 250 people are currently allowed, but even smaller groups are being admonished.  What will happen to this already fragmented society, when human physical contact is removed? With only the internet to provide company for some, how will connections take place? Will this become "the new normal"? I pray not.

March 16, 2020

This morning I heard that the gathering limit had been lowered to 50. We're barely halfway through the day, and the new word is that it's down to 10.  More and more businesses are sending their workers home,  restaurants are limited to drive through and take out. I keep telling myself that everything is going to be okay, but that's getting more difficult. I miss my grand-babies; my two boys who keep me smiling even when things are bad. Face-time is great and all, but it can't replace an excited child running into your arms for a big hug.
The whole world is quarantined. Full countries of people locked in their own homes. There was a video posted somewhere showing Italians singing from their balconies and doorways. Reaching out to their neighbors in the best way they could think of. At least it was a little lighter story during a dark season,
The President spoke, encouraging Americans to stay in their houses, wash your hands, stay at least six feet away from others. He talked about financial help for anyone who is being affected by the virus, which is everyone.  I heard that he turned down the World Health Federation's offer for the tests it would take to diagnose people here, so we could figure out where the biggest concentrations of virus victims are. This would help the medical community to prepare for the influx of patients.  I can't tell you if this is true, I only overheard. I'm trying to filter the news as much as I can.  Everyone has their own versions of the story that's unfolding.  Everyone has a slant on things. I feel like the cop who says "Just the facts, ma'am. Just the facts." (Dragnet?) I hate when people say things like "You just think that, because of the media, or some political party." No...I just listen to what comes out of our president"s mouth.

March 17, 2020

It's St.Patrick's Day, and the rainbow keeps eluding me.  You know, the one that comes after the rain. It just keeps raining; and the flooding and landslides are only getting worse. The news stated that in China, the virus cases have begun to decrease, Being the skeptic that I am, I find it hard to believe that the leadership of a country that hid the virus even from their own country, would be telling the truth now. These are people who are focused on making it seem like they have everything under control.  So,,,yeah. Now they are trying to say that the US Military in the area must be the ones truly responsible for the virus. President Trump, instead of just denying this allegation, has begun calling it the "Chinese Virus". He's like a kid in a playground, "I know you are, but what am I?" This is really the time to be a grown up. Let's hope he rises to the occasion. I've noticed the media is trying to be less critical of him, trying not to bad-mouth him. I think that's a good thing.
People on all sides are going to have to work together. God, I hope they do. Between the hoarders (of toilet paper and hand sanitizer), the doubters, the name calling and the blaming...
I.  Just. Want. TO SCREAM!
More cities in the US are shutting up tight, strongly suggesting that people stay at home and not go out except for necessities like food, medicine or toiletries.As things progress, I keep thinking that someday this will be considered to be a historical event.  I just hope I'm still around to see that.  I hope I still have my loved ones healthy and thriving. Meanwhile, I pray that people will stop acting out of fear and hate,  9/11 was horrible, but for a while there, we became a more united country, well aside from the racial targeting of those of middle eastern decent, and the scam charities professing to be benefiting the victims and their families....
Well, crap.
We're doomed.

March 18, 2020

"I always felt it was a pandemic, long before it was called a pandemic. So, Mr. President, were you lying when you said you were sure it would just "disappear" in April when the weather warmed up? We still haven't gotten very many tests. What has it been, two maybe three weeks? Don't get me started. I wouldn't want to interrupt any of your golf trips (not just him, other leaders as well). I'm holed up in my house trying not to touch anything or anyone, because this virus could take my life, but don't you people worry your pretty little heads.

Right in my Backyard...

Growing up in an average suburb of Southern California, I honestly cannot remember seeing a whole lot of what I'd consider wild animals. Aside from birds, and pets, I had to go to a zoo to see any remotely interesting fauna. A few years ago, however, I starting seeing squirrels in a nearby park. I thought it was cool, but I wondered where they had come from, and how they had managed to get there. The nearest mountain range, is miles away, and although there is a nature center across town, I had a hard time imagining these little guys crossing the busy streets it would take to get to my area. I'm pretty sure they don't wait for the traffic lights to change. I'd also seen the occasional raccoon or skunk, but that wasn't too hard to understand since they appeared to live in the sewer system.
But then, there were the coyotes. Early one morning I saw what appeared to be a large grayish dog, wandering down my street. It was joined by another one. and the two of them darted down a small drainage canal. All righty. At the moment, a family of opossums live behind my house. Hawks have swooped down to catch small birds in our backyard. Thankfully, so far they haven't tried to grab one of my small dogs. You just never know...
So one warm spring day, my daughter stepped out into our backyard to find what she describe as a "blue dragon". It had huge blue wings and was flying across the middle of the yard away from our...oh no...koi pond. We have a beautiful pond that my husband and sons built,surrounded by brick, that had been filled with a few medium sized koi, as well as dozens of goldfish. The goldfish had been just ordinary feeder fish, but had gotten quite large over time. As I approached the pond, I realized in horror, that there was not a single fish left. Okay, maybe one little black one who'd managed to blend with the pond liner, but all the others had vanished.  I wanted to cry. That huge creature, which we later determined was not a blue dragon, but a Blue Heron, had not only left us enormous white bird poop droppings all over the brick pond perimeter, but had swallowed up pretty much all my fish. My beautiful koi, had been the bird's main course, with about forty goldfish as dessert. Gulp, gulp...gulp.
Since then, we redesigned the pond to include more hiding places for the fish to escape to, should our uninvited guest reappear, which, as you can see, he did.  Perched up on a telephone pole, he scoped out the area. He may have seen our new fish, but this time, they were apparently able to escape the carnage. We haven't replaced the koi yet, but since the new hiding areas seem to be working, we may someday. Meanwhile, as people infringe even more into the wilderness, I fully expect to find more and more wildlife lurking in my backyard. Hopefully, we can all respect each other's personal space, and learn to live together.  Although if that fish thieving Heron comes back...I may not be too happy to welcome him in.


Caren E. Salas

Be Careful What You Wish For...

Okay, so I know I said I wanted a little summer, but what I meant was relief from the June Gloom, not 100* temperatures! Seriously, right after I posted that, the temps jumped up 20 degrees. A gradual increase would have been nice. At least today is nicer. There's a pleasant breeze in my backyard, and opening the door is not like opening a kiln. The forecast shows more hot weather to come however, (yippee) so I'm bracing myself.  I have this feeling that I may spend a lot of time inside my house this summer. Yes, I know, I'm a wimp. Born and raised in Southern California, I enjoy a huge range of temperatures, like say...between 75 and 85.  Anything under 65, and I'm pulling out my parka. Anything over 90 and, well, I just want to jump into the fridge.
Now, if I can get to the beach...I am a happy camper. Most days the shoreline is easily 20 degrees cooler, and although the water tends to be (again, I say this as the California wimp that I am) FREEZING, the warm air feels wonderful in contrast. That said, the beach will not be happening today. Things to do, bills to pay, blah blah blah. So until later, stay cool my friends.

Caren E. Salas

I Need a Little Summer...Now

I woke up this morning in a panic, thinking, oh no! We must have slept in! The whole bedroom was bright, and the sun was practically blinding! I looked up at the clock. 5:20. Ugh! Nope, we didn't sleep in. It took me a few minutes to realize that I couldn't remember the last time the sun was shining first thing in the morning. No overcast skies? Whaaaat?
Today just happened to be the last day of school for my daughter. So I'm kinda' wondering...can it be summer now? I know technically summer starts on June 20 - the Summer Solstice and all that, but come on.  I need a little summer...like, now. And for all my theater friends and those of you who have at least seen the musical, "Mame".....sing it with me, won't you?

Haul out the chaise lounge,
Put on your shades before the fog rolls in again
Fill up the beach ball
I may be rushing things, but get your hula skirt now!

For I need a little summer, ♫
'Cause this year's been a bummer, ♪
Hats and shorts and tank tops,
Bathing suits and flip flops,
Oh we need a little summer,
'Cause this year's been a bummer, ♪
It hardly rained at all this year,
So since the weather's been so clear,
Lets get out the beach towels,
Fill up the ice chest full of, lots of snacks and beer,
Slice up the melon,♫
It's time we pulled the ukulele out and sang "Wow!"
For I've grown a little weary,
Grown a little colder,
Grown a little fatter,
Grown a little older,
And I need a little sunscreen, ♪
Right here on my shoulder,
I need a little Summer now!!!! ♪


Caren E. Salas

Well, What Do You Know?

Can you believe it? I'm back, and only a day later. Shocker. Granted, I'm getting in just under the wire, but still...
Unfortunately, I'm not allowed to talk about the most exciting thing that happened today. I found out the gender of my grandchild. My daughter wants to have one of those "Gender Reveal Parties". That's a "thing". Yes, I know. I'm showing my age. When I had my first baby, I think I only had one, maybe two ultrasounds. Now, they do them all the time. I didn't know what my baby was until she was born. And now my baby, is having a baby. I'm going to be a grandmother. Yikes.
So since they want to make a big announcement, I have to keep it under my hat for a while.
Well if I'm going to post this before midnight, I better go.
Until (hopefully) tomorrow. (Which technically is 2 minutes from now...)


Caren E. Salas

My baby.

No Promises...

If I felt bad having not written the last post for 6 months, now that it's a year and a half later...well...

I'd like to say that this time I mean it; that I'm going to continue writing everyday from now on, however I can't. It's like New Year's Resolutions. I just don't believe in writing down a long list of specific goals that I might try for, but realistically won't attain.  When you have a disease like MS that comes and goes at random with continually changing and evolving symptoms, you tend to be a little jaded when it comes to plans. This is not to say that I don't look forward to things, or that I am a pessimist when it comes to my future. I just believe in each of us being real with ourselves.  There are people that respond to the pep talks, or the "no pain no gain" attitudes. Other people respond to kind encouragement. Honestly, I don't respond to any of that. I don't want to be bullied, compared to someone else who "pulled themselves up against all odds" (or worse "they have MS and look what they did!). "Encouragement" from others can feel condescending.  The only one who can get my butt up out of bed is me. I focus on one day at a time: getting through it despite the exhaustion, the pain, the frustration of everyday existence. Getting through, is all I have energy for. Getting the normal chores and necessities that I "have to" do is pretty much all I can manage most days.

But I realized that because I was spending so much time on all the "have-tos" in my life, there was no time for anything I wanted to do..like write. So for now, I'm trying to set a little time aside everyday for me. Not easy, but I try. So I am writing today. Hopefully, I will write tomorrow. I'll go from there. 

No promises.

And Now for Something Completely Different

Wow, it's been about 6 months since I last posted on this blog. Sadly, it's probably been about that long since I've gone to the gym. In my defense, there were lots of reasons for that. I worked a bit for The Living Christmas Company in November and December. Then, in January I caught a cold; then I was in a car accident; then I caught the flu (I ducked, but it still hit me) which in turn, turned into Bronchitis. In the middle of that I was convinced by my friend Jane, to audition for a play: Oliver. She called one night, saying she was going the next night, and that I should come and audition too. I had 24 hours to get a resume typed and printed, a head shot and a song prepared. Somehow I did it. My husband, Bill cheered me on as well. "Just have fun." Everyone was saying.
Well, I ended up getting cast in the "Adult Ensemble" which really means I have no particular part, but I sing and dance in the chorus numbers. What that means to me is "Oh my gosh, I'm going to perform on a stage for the first time in..." I can't even remember how long it's been. What it means now is SO MUCH FUN!  I am loving it so much, I can't even begin to describe it.  I feel like me again. Don't get me wrong, I love being a mom, and I wouldn't trade my life and my kids for all of Broadway and the Big Time. With my kids being pretty much grown now though, I can get out and do more. It's been so great to go back to this wonderful life that I've missed for so long.
So while I may not be swimming a mile, or working out at the gym, I am getting my exercise. The set has a bridge that goes up one side and down the other. Somehow, the choreography is such that I end up running up and down those stairs over and over throughout the play. Who needs a stair-master?
The only downside is that I have been feeling really tired. That comes with the MS of course, but the occasional late nights have taken a tole. Still, it's all been worth it. Seriously. And as long as I can do this, I really want to do as many of these plays as I can. I know I'll be able to work out a good resting schedule, it's all just been sort of new for me. Well, not "new" but different for my current situation. I'm not the 20-something college student anymore. (Side note: for those who don't know me personally, I have a degree in Theater Arts and was intensely active in Theater when I was diagnosed with MS at 23, and spent a year in and out of a wheelchair. I tried to do some work after that, when I was feeling better, but feared the stress and activity would cause a relapse. At that time there was no drug therapy, and there is still no cure.)
Currently, I have a high school student to take to school early in the morning, my other kids coming and going, my husband to pay attention to, meals to prepare, a house to take care of, as well as many other things to do throughout the days. Boy, and I thought I was busy back then, lol.
So forgive me for not writing sooner, as you can see I've been a teeny bit busy. Hopefully I'll have lots to tell you though, as my theater and life adventures continue.


Caren E. Salas

The Rose Center Theater, Westminster, CA